Sunday, March 30, 2008

Four Days

I hear footsteps on the pavement.

Could it be you?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Takot Mag-Asawa

Something I just remembered happening some years back.

On a hot summer afternoon in my Auntie Nene's house in Quezon City, I was lounging with my cousin's wife (sorry I forgot her name) and their four-year old daughter, Mica when I was asked...

Cousin's wife: May boyfriend ka na ba?

Me: Opo. *giggling*

Cousin's wife: Aba, talaga naman! Saan mo nakilala?

Me: Kaklase ko po sa school.

Cousin's wife: Talaga naman oh. Saan naman nakatira yan?

Me: Sa Taytay po. Pero minsan dyan sa Project 8 siya umuuwi. Sa may Munoz.

Cousin's wife: Oh eh 'di minsan pala sabay na kaayo umuwi? Gaano na kayo katagal? Si Biboy ata 'la pa rin girlfriend. Si Joseph 'lam ko madami na!

Me: *laughs* Minsan po hinahatid niya ko dito. Pero 'di ko na pinapapasok. *pause* Tahimik naman po kasi si manong Biboy. Si Joseph naman, ewan ko lang.

Cousin's wife: Naku, sino kaya sa inyo mauunang mag-asawa?! Baka naman ikaw ha! Mababalitaan na lang namin!

Me: *laughs* 'Di po! Aral muna! *laughs*

Mica: *cry loudly*

Cousin's wife: Oh bakit? Bigla ka na lang umiyak dyan! *panic*

Mica: *covering her eyes while crying* Takot ako mag-asawa eh!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Beatless! Er, Beatles

Maggie (Mar. 12, 2008 6:29 PM): La naman unusual nangyari kahapon?
Mimi (Mar. 12, 2008 6:29 PM): La naman. La ka eh.

*laughter*

I tried living with my eyes closed. That's the Beatles beating a tambourine in my head. They say I got to hide my love away and

yet they also said that it’s all we need. What a flying fluck into a field of strawberry. And while you’re at it, they’ll leave you

hanging out there forever.

Try to close your eyes and then take mine. Sunken though, you'll see what I mean.

LOL

Le'mme guess. You have no idea of the words I just said. Don't worry, you're not the first one to say am weird. Yep, there's a hint of sarcasm in those words.

How unfortunate... how sad... how ill... of me? Let's see.

On four separate occasions (over different messaging systems):

Mark Dille
eLliDKraM (2:49:24 PM): but you're a smart girl
eLliDKraM (2:49:26 PM): you get it deep down

Eleonor Mengullo
eleonor mengullo (10/3/2007 11:30:03 AM): sabi lot smart ka raw.kita naman.aba ang galing mo nga
eleonor mengullo (10/3/2007 11:36:51 AM): malawak pangunawa mo.sana ibang friends nya ganun din

Debrielle Santos
maggie (11/8/2007 4:05:20 PM): ...
Ms. Debi (11/8/2007 4:06:06 PM): kasi magaling ka.. yun ang ibig sabihin nun

Charles Lewis
maggie_noodles ('12 Nov, 2007 09:03 PM post='278174'): ...a chance to write a book someday.
Amadeus ('12 Nov, 2007 09:03 PM post='278174'): You're a smart woman, Maggie. Make a chance.

Four different people, whom I have known for a little less than a year, told me how smart I am. Now that's weird! I practically grew up in a family knowing I had no brains at all. True! My sisters were always smarter than I am. They were always doing things that my mind couldn't muster. Hmmm.

Then what prompted people around me to say am weird? Okay, let's put it these way. Because it's past two in the morning and panic is setting in once again in my veins, these thoughts suddenly broke in. Remember, I need to divert myself. ;)

Anyway, it's a case of social labelling. People have this tendency to label you as weird when you're different from the norm. Well, they could've said I'm unique. But no, the world is not a safe place. People will almost likely to tell you how badly done you are.

And so, I was labelled a weirdo.

Oooh, scary.

Yes it was. Back then. Not now.

I figured, maybe one of the reasons why I had this effin disorder was because I had my eyes too wide-opened. I was too weary of what you, or other people would say. It's okay to mind what others will say but I guess I just took it too far. I was scared.

Maybe that's what's different with me. Maybe that was what separated me from my sisters. They were brave enough to face the humiliation of growing up. I wasn't.

Maybe it's not too late. I may not be that ill. Maybe by closing my eyes, I could face other people and will never have to think about what they will say. Maybe the Beatles was right, living is easy with eyes closed.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Something Unfamiliar

A cold summer evening breeze greeted me on a Saturday night. With the moon over my head, I watched people in front of me. Lit candles illuminated the dim streets of Pacita as the procession progresses.

In silence, I walk alone. But I wasn't afraid.

Fear, something that has been so familiar to me that it makes me sick to my stomach. But not at that moment. I knew that when I get to where I was going, He'd be there...

to give me warmth,

to give me strength,

to give me love, and

to give me courage.

COURAGE, something that I had been so unfamiliar with that it made me lose myself.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Di Ko Rin Alam

...kung saan ako papunta pero ba-bye na, aalis ka na! Ay mali, ako pala!

LOL

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A Way Into Convalescence

Sitting on the edge of a brick wall, I tried to catch words that were hanging over my head. I got to grab three. I opened my hands and found the words:

UNDERSTANDING.

RESILIENCE.

LOVE.

I need you to understand me. Your kind words will soothe me through the confusion. I need you to be patient with me. Your embrace will bring me warmth through the chills. I need you to be compassionate with me. Your smiles will get me through the loneliness.

But if you can't have the heart to give me any of these, then you won't help me get better. I don't need you anyway. I don't give a fuck. With or without you, I'll get through this.

I know, it's not that easy.

Monday, March 3, 2008

An Echuserang Frog's Invisible War

I bob my head, Reg whispers a scream:

"You drag me down, you're nothing but my pain."

The invisible war wages on inside me.

I don't want to be a glass.

I don't want to be more sensitive than my eyes' pupil.

I don't want be a slave to my own taste.

I don't want to be full of myself.

I don't want to be annoying.

*involuntary sigh*

I just can't wait 'till the war is over.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Sa North Diversion Field

I was in a counselling session this past Saturday. I learned that like Angel Locsin, Piolo Pascual, Precious Quigaman, and Sam Milby, I want to be complete.

I used to represent my block from Meralco Foundation Institute (first college I went to) as Ms. Intrams. It wouldn't hurt if I were slim today as I did back then. That'll be cool!

I've been trying to lose weight for sometime now and it's working quite pretty fair. People are starting to notice. (Oh yes its working! Yey!!!) And so, this weekend, I decided to play a sport. I haven't started yet but having the idea in my head motivates me enough to look for a local team.

I used to play for Colegio San Agustin - Southwoods Girl's Soccer Team back in high school. Maybe through playing it again, I might lose the weight I've been trying to shed off for 2 months now.

I want to play soccer again. I want to be slim again.

No, actually, I want to be normal. Again. Panic Anxiety Disorder apparently was the evil in me.

Now that’s why. I need a diversion.