Thank you!

I'll see you next week...

Of Boodle Fights and Dirty Hands

Baboy? Baboy? Tila batingaw sa aking pandinig at memorya na unti-unting kumakain sa aking pag-iisip. Maka-ilang ulit na ako nakakita ng mga larawang nagpapakita ng mga ika nga eh, boodle fights sa ating mga peryodiko. Ikaw nga ay matanong ko, bakit ito tinotolerate ng ating mga politiko?



Kawawa naman ang Pilipinas, sa isang banda ay napag-iwanan nanaman tayo ng ating mga kapatid sa Asya. Nakakalungkot isipin na gumagamit ng kubyertos ang ating mga kapwa Asyano, at tayo? Nagkakamay, not out of pakikisama of whatever tradition we have, but because we are poor.

Try to look at boodle fight picture. It's quite degrading to see that this politicians, and other notable people in society, engage themselves in this kind of thing. For what reason? Dahil sabi daw nila, nakiki-simpatiya sila sa kalagayan ng mamamayang Pilipino. Hindi niyo ba nakikita? It's like these pigs are actually tolerating poverty! We've become a Pig-dom in the making. Sad, so sad.


What this heart of mine desires in not to eliminate our people from a way of eating in which we have at least all known how to eat during fiestas, or picnic perhaps, out there in the bukid or in the beach. Heck, eating sinangag na rice with tuyo for breakfast with the hands during rainy season is comforting; but doing the same thing to comfort the poor is hell.

Binubulag ng ating mga politiko ang ating mga naghihirap na kababayan. Kunyari sasali sila sa pagkain sa pamamagitan ng pagkamay ngunit ang totoo niyan, pinapakita ng ating mga politiko na ok lang na maghirap tayo. Nakangiti pa ang mga loko. Nasaan na ang moral natin? Nasaan na ang mga moral ng ating kababayan kung ganitong mismo ang mga politiko ang nagpapakita ng mga ganitong gawain? Ipakita sana nila na kahit naghihirap ang Pinoy, meron naman tayong dangal na kumain gamit ang mga kubyertos. At kahit mahirap tayo, hindi tayo baboy sa ating pamumuhay. Kawawa naman si Juan Dela Cruz.


Go on, keep on posting of picture of these boodle fights between politicians and the poor. Let the world see that politicians here in the Philippines tolerate poverty and instead of helping our poor kababayans na makaahon sa kanilang kahirapan, they eat like pigs - without dignity or morals at all.



Photos courtesy of : http://frjessie.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/boodle-fight.jpg
http://www.senate.gov.ph/photo_release/2009/0303_00.jpg
http://www.ellentordesillas.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/trillanes-plus-4-roco.JPG

Babatukan Na Kita

...sa paraang kalambing-lambing: isang yakap mula sa langit.

There are so many selfish people in this world that they fail to see what suffering means. Have you ever thought that all the bad things in your life happened for a reason? Perhaps, you have looked at yourself as someone who can handle everything by yourself. Big mistake my friend, biggest mistake in fact.

Gising kapatid, gising!

Go ahead, ask Him what He wants to happen in your life. Ask Him what does He want YOU TO DO.

A Purrfect Love Affair

I have always loved cats. My earliest memory of owning a cat was when I was about 5 or 6 years old. My love affair with them started way back in 1987 when we moved to San Pedro, Laguna from Quezon City. Her name was Muning, a typical name any first-time cat owner would name his or her cat. I remember getting upset when I saw Muning being taken by a visitor in our neighbor's backyard.

My siblings have had dogs, whereas a cat was what I always preferred. I even remember my late Mama saying, "Mahilig ka talaga sa pusa. Ne, maliit ka pa oh naalala ko, uuwi kang may dalang pusa." (Memories... Ma, I miss you na! I love you!)

Through the years, I've had many cats with names ranging from Penelope Laila (after Liza Milo - do you remember her from that scary tv show? yep, I knew her), Ling-ming Mei (after that Macros character), Pen (short for Penelope Laila, her life was also short *sad*), Orange Waffle, My Beautiful Gorgo (after Queen Gorgo of King Leonidas in the movie 300), Kat-Kat (a male cat which I gave a girl's name hehe), Amy, Chub-Chub, Snow Flake (because he was white as snow), Cibo, Prince Albert (after that Sweet Valley High character) and many more I can't even remember at all.

A few months ago, I was reading a Reader's Digest magazine when I came across an article, entitled Garfield's Good-Life Guide, which caught my attention. It was about cats and why they behave like they do. What struck me was when it said:

"Let the cat make the first move. Don't come to me and expect me to rejoice. I will come to you - on my own terms and in my own time. When I meet a new human, I know immediately whether he's a cat person. If he pets me and suffocates me with hugs, yuck! It's so over. But if he ignores me or is allergic or is terrified, I find him irresistible. Unlike indiscriminate dogs, a cat likes a challenge. Always let the cat make the first move, or suffer the consequences."

It was like I was reading an article about me. That was when I concluded that my fascination with cats had something to do with how we both interact with people. Of all the other items on the article, only one was not applicable to me. That also made me almost conclude that I have a high-functioning autism. Especially when I heard about the book entitled All Cats Have Asperger's Syndrome. But it's all vague right?

It was weird because I knew it was not impossible to happen. Then again, weird is nothing new to me. Hmm, I don't think this purrfect love affair is yet to be over.


Reference: All Cats Have Asperger Syndrom by Kathy Hoopman
Garfield's Good-Life Guide by RD Pets, Reader's Digest January 2008

Pentium II

...that's how I will call her, dahil yun ang processing level ng utak niya.

There are many like her. Madami na kong napasukan na trabaho bilang isang manunulat. Sa lahat ng mga working environments na yun, laging merong mga taong katulad niya. Hindi ko masabi sa kanya (sa kanila) mga problema ko sa mga ginagawa nila kasi kung kilala mo ko, I suffer/fight back in silence.

Describe ko na lang siya/sila.

1. Maingay. Manunulat ako kaya importante sa akin ang katahimikan. Anak ng p*ta (pasensya na, it's effin frustrating na eh!) naman kung hindi alam ng katrabaho ko yun. It's a huge effin general knowledge.

Anyway, Pentium II talaga. BS. We have different tastes in music. You have been here for like, what? A month and you still have no idea what kind of music we listen to? Come on, you've heard us. Please, keep your playlists to yourself. Pero since you can't, you leave me no choice...

side note: IMHO, writers who love (supposedly) noise are... hmm... okay so you are still writers, pero for me, you lack depth. Full of blabbering, pero walang meaning. In short, mababaw. Kung writer ka at hindi mo matanggap ang criticism ko, hindi ka dapat tawaging manunulat. *bow

I'm not quiet because I choose to be, I'm just focusing on my work. (though i'm quiet talaga)

2. Opisina mo ang mundo? Kahit hindi ka manunulat, gugustuhin mo rin ng privacy sa workstation mo right? BS. Gusto ko sabihin sa kanya na naaasiwa na ko sa kakalakad niya sa paligid ko. Ilagay mo kaya sa table mo yung mga gamit mo para hindi ka na balik ng balik dito. I can't concentrate with you snooping (?) around.

I'm not claiming this area, I just want some privacy when I work please?

3. Snoopy. Eto na... I will justify na... Para sa lahat 'to. Bilang isang manunulat, importante sakin na ibaling sa ibang bagay ang aking atensiyon habang bumubuo ng aking mga ideya. I focus my thoughts on an idea and write about it. When it all gets effed up, I have to rest my mind by browsing other sites. Other mediums (like taking a break or smoke, which is i don't do anymore. wtf 1 month na ko yosi-free! sh*t it feels great!) could work, but because browsing websites is the most accessible here sa office, its the most used diversion method.

Kung nakikita mo 'kong nagba-browse ng ibang sites (websites, kung hindi mo alam ang sites), wag mo ko sitahin, kaya kitang tunawin ng tingin ko lang. Palibhasa, hindi gumagana utak mo.

I'm not slacking, I'm just resting my mind.

4. Eto lang yun eh, WRITERS SHOULD NEVER BE CONTAINED. We (artists in general) are free spirits. Let us be. Saka na kayo magreklamo kung hindi ako (kami) makapagproduce ng demands niyo nang dahil sa mga anik-anik (drawing, taking breaks, browsing websites, chatting) na ginagawa namin.

Ikaw Pentium II, tanong kita, was there ever a time na hindi ko naibigay or na-submit sayo articles ko? Was there ever a time na hindi ako umabot sa p*tanginang quota na yan?

I'm not at all like this, I'm just ranting. WTF

Ayokong mabigyan ng label, pero ano pa nga ba magagawa ko? Eto na. These are what my mind have concocted. Mayabang na kung mayabang. Ebil na kung ebil. Frog na kung frog!

Ikaw ba hindi? o_O

Don't worry, hindi kita papatulan. Hanggang dito lang 'to. Dahil ganyan lang kaya ng isip mo, pipilitin kitang intindihin dahil without humility, all my other virtues will be useless. Sana yun, naintindihan mo.

Whatever. Uy, meryenda time na! w00t

The Great Sister Act II

I have loved her the way she has and may never wholly understand. I loved her, and I will love her still.

Yes, in despite...


Kuya Marvynn, Omar, and ate Etchel, thank you very much for all your help ha. *hugs*

Wahahays!

I need my earphones, dammit. Kung bakit ba naman kasi, ni-uwi ko pa! Hays.

A Glimpse

I am proud to say that I come from a family of smart individuals. My sisters were scholars and dean's listers. I've had my share of honors and scholarships back in college. Sad to say, I grew up knowing I wasn't one of them. They’re professionals, I’m only an artist (but proud to be one!). I always knew I was not smart enough. I was always thought to be a slow-learner. I was the one with the face without a brain. I was the odd ball.

Now I know why.

I'm not dumb mother (I love you!). I'm as smart as you are my dear sisters (I love you too!). Unfortunately (?), I have short attention span and obscure tremors because I'm sick. If you were in my shoes, you'd know what I mean. I just wish you really were.

Now I feel like the black ant that explores my keyboard. I want to run, but I can't because I've got work to do. I can’t use my sickness as an excuse for some job undone. Good thing there's a window in front of me. The view is not beautiful, yet quiet. Good thing I have my own earphones. Loud progressive music calms me somehow in times like these. Good effin diversion eh?

Ready to Fight

I was in the hospital for two days. I was sick. No, I am still sick.

Yet, I am very happy. :)

There's a part in me which has been abnormally growing and it's causing me a lot of physical (and emotional) problems. I'm not worrying though. At least now I know what's wrong with me. It's serious, but not grave. It's curable, but if left untreated, could lead to heart failure and if that happens, I could honestly claim that my heart has been broken. haha

I'm not scared, not anymore.

Lord, thank you. Thank you very much! You saved me again. w00t

Isaw-Isaw at Sopdrinks Naman

Hindi na burgers.


Amie: *kwento kwento habang naglalakad*

Me: Pawis na po ikaw oh. Pawis na pawis na noo mo. Likod mo basa na rin ba?

Amie: Okay lang po. Nakalagay na sa likod yung towel ko eh. La na ko pamunas.

Me: Meron po pamunas diyan sa bag ko. Towel din yan. Alam ko mas gusto mo pamunas towel. Kaso maliit lang siya.

Amie: Baby wala naman po eh.

Me: Meron po diyan.

Amie: *tingin tingin pa rin*

Me: *tinulungan siya hanapin*

Amie: Ayun! Ang liit naman nito baby. Mini towel!

Me:

Amie: Baby tago mo po 'to!

Me: Huh?

Amie: Para po sa magiging baby natin!

Me:

Corrine's Lullaby

I've been in and out of it.

Stressors trace my steps until they catch me.

Who said it's gonna be easy?


me: i've been stuck here for the past two days
the evil in me is attacking me again
friend: @_@
ay parang un tinago nya si maggie?
me: and perhaps, no matter how hard i explain to people what is truly happening to me, no
one will ever understand
friend: ...i know na ung feeling mo
noon di kita magets
sorry po a..
me: :)
friend: ~_~
me: okey lang
i'm used to it
sanay na ko mangapa
friend: siguro mabagal talaga ako minsan mag digest ng info
me: pero i'm more at peace ngayon kasi meron na ko pinaghuhugutan ng lakas
friend: oo nga.. ako tired magpanggap
me: though it's verrry hard
to be sane
friend: whew
oo very hard
i know
me: :)


I was, and still am, screaming inside again. Thank you. Thank you for Corrine's lullabies.

While Looking at an Empty Chair

I woke up yesterday and found myself singing this song in my head. The same thing happened this morning. I can't even remember where I last heard it. Definitely not on fm radio, I don't listen to that. Not on tv too, I don't have time to watch tv. And absolutely not on my mp3, I only have praise songs, Sitti, Mr. Big, Tool, A Perfect Circle, Lamb of God, Chevelle, Hale, Sino Sikat, Razorback, Deftones, Rizal Underground, Firehouse, Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer, Juan Pablo Dream, Sting & The Police, and yes, even Toto (courtesy of my guitar man) on mine. Hmm... it's another case of weird LSS.


I'm gonna live my life
like every days' the last
without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast

and now that you're gone I can't cry heard enough
I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now

gonna open my eyes and see for the first time
I've let go of you like
a child letting go of his kite

There it goes up in the sky
there it goes beyond the clouds
for no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enoug for you to hear me now

gonna look back in vain and see you standing there
when all that remains is just an empty chair
anad now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough, I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now

There it goes, up in the sky
there it goes beyond the clouds
for no reason why
I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now


Yes, like it's the last.

Californication

1st day of summer + inevitable ming-ming + gratuitous ding-dong = big fat regret


Addition? No.

Subtraction? No.

Multiplication? No.

Division? No.

It's Californication baby!

I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.

*sob*

The House On Top of a Cliff

It was a sunny late afternoon. Waves were crashing against the walls of a cliff where a huge Victorian house lay on it.

Inside, I stood behind a screen door while looking at the sun as it slowly says goodbye for the day. Not far from me, a white man in his twenties rocked back and forth as he squats on the floor. He was repeatedly uttering someone’s name.

I suddenly found him looking at me. I knew what he was thinking.

Next door, two girls were playing on the backyard. Their dad, sitting on a lounge chair, was laughing as he conversed with an old couple. Their mom was inside the house, preparing some snacks.

I told the little girls that I wanted to see their mom. Without hesitation, she went with me to the house on top of the cliff where someone was waiting for her.

We were standing in the kitchen when he came from behind her. With a huge pan in his hands, he motioned to hit her on the head when I turned around. I knew what he was planning to do. I knew...

She stood. I pretended I wasn’t hearing her moan with pain. I pretended not to hear her calling my name in a whisper. I still had my back on her, but I can see her bloodied hands reaching out for me. When she was about to finally reach me, I got to the kitchen door and closed it behind me.

...and that was when I woke up. It’s seven in the morning. I have to go to work.

Valid

Goodbye Silent Pandemonium, hello Screaming Inside!

I finally decided to change my site's name because of these reasons:

> Silent Pandemonium (band, July 2006)

> Silent Pandemonium (Friendster blog, September 2006)

> Silent Pandemonium (About Deafness, December 2007)

> Silent Pandemonium (forum post including pic, May 2008)

> Silent Pandemonium (Italy, September 2008)

I was somewhat disappointed and upset when I came across these sites; but for the lack of legal rights or whatsoever you call it, I cannot claim that I am the real owner of the words silent pandemonium as a title anyway. Besides, the new name is more appropriate to what I truly feel...

every single day.

Bago Matapos...

...ang buwan ng mga puso, may pinahabol ang isang ming-ming:



Sagot naman nung isa,



Amie, para sa'yo ata 'to.

Smoking Chocolate Goodness

To keep myself from doing opposite of item #6 on this previous post, I've been trying to deviate "the urge" into something more favourable: sweets.

Today’s (actually yesterday's kaso sira Multiply kahapon kaya late post pffft) dessert is courtesy of Tel. Yummy brownies!

Cold ones – just the way I like it! Yuuuum!*

Thanks Tel!

I have been smoking for the past nine years. I started with Marlboro reds then moved on to lights, and now, I’m on the green ones. I have tried so many times to stop it before, but all my efforts were wasted. Until recently, I hadn't realized how important it is for me to stop 100%. I have been experiencing chest pains and difficulty in breathing. I have been having night chills and fevers. Oh noes! With God’s grace, and the sweets (in moderation), I know I’ll get through this. I will and I should!

*not the actual ones

Felicidad

I'm going home to an empty house tonight. I'm celebrating Mama's birthday without her - for the first time.

Happy birthday Ma! We miss you! I love you! *flying hugs en kisses to the heavens

Mimi, James, and the Big Guy

I was quietly suffering from a panic attack yesterday when Mimi suddenly crossed my mind. I figured then, I’m missing her.

Immediately, I took my cellphone off my bag and sent her an sms. Not long after, she went online and we were soon chatting away as if we haven’t spoken to each other in years.

“Alam mo gamot sa PAD? Hugs!”, Mimi said.

Oh, so now I know why I love hugs so much.

“Pero dapat ng malaking tao. Kapag maliit na tao, dapat dalawa sila.”, Mimi added.

Oh, so now I know why God gave me pareng Diyames. I love that big guy, and the other Bigger Guy most importantly of course. I love them both.

Mimi, thank you very much ha? The panic has been on and off since yesterday, but I can endure more now. I just need some hugs.

(Perhaps Diana needs some too, though she's not in any panic or something. I hope she'll be feeling okay soon.)

My PAD is Almost Full

I feel like doing this again. Eto na naman siya.

Right here. Right now.

Ayoko Na, Instead

I know this is a little bit too late to start with. Resolutions are supposed to be made as, or before, the year starts. Kaso, it felt like overused na yung idea ng paggawa ng resolutions. Majority ng mga tao ngayon, gumagawa man ng listahan nila, hindi naman nila sinusunod.

Kaya instead of writing down a list of the things that I'm supposed to do right this year, I did the opposite. I wrote down things that I don't want to do or experience anymore. Honestly, it felt good to write these things down. You might want to write your own.

1. Ayoko na maging tambay. Ayoko na ng walang (regular/full-time) work or job. Ayoko na maranasan yung umaasa ako sa ibang tao, financially man o sa kung ano pang aspeto.

2. Ayoko na ng maraming assignments. I mean, i could juggle them all together pero, my life will not revolve around work anymore. Tama na. Ayoko nang masayang ang oras ko. May mga mas importanteng bagay pa dito sa mundo na mas dapat pinaguukulan ng quality time.

3. Ayoko na ng may kaaway sa bahay namin or kanila James, sa work, sa community, or kahit saan pa. I have forgiven and forgotten na. It's time to move on. Sabi nga ni Kimpay, "KEEP MOVING FORWARD".

4. Ayoko nang hindi kami magkaintindihan ni James sa mga bagay bagay na nangyayari sa amin. The good Lord has great plans for us and we can't wait for things to finally happen. God is in the center of our relationship and He is in control. Amen!

5. Ayoko na si Ding-dong. Ayoko na rin si Ming-ming. Kung hindi niyo sila kilala, 'wag niyo na kilalanin. Please? *wink*

6. Ayoko na magyosi at uminom. Period.

Marami pang iba pero these items pretty much sums it all up and I think this list could help me decide on matters mentioned here. We'll see sa part 2 na lang nun.

Ay oo nga palaka, happy hearts' day sa lahat!

Then There's Three Again

How do you set up goals in your life? Last week, I was caught in between three questions:

Can I manage my own online business/company?

Should I just work from home?

Could I perhaps apply for a full-time position again?

Frustrated and confused, I called my ever-reliable big sister, ate Meg, into my room. According to her, setting our own priorities is as important as setting our goals. Considering my distaste for making sound decisions, I asked her what I should really do.

At first, I mentioned about the online business. Also last week and out of the blue, I received an SMS message from an employer to whom I worked for several years back. He is also a good friend of my nanay. He was willing to finance an online business, if I could manage it for him. Writing articles for students was what he had in mind. I could hire five or so writers and he would provide the office, equipment and logistics. He'd pay me to manage everything. I was ecstatic! What were the chances that I could start my (own) business with somebody else's money? I mean, I could never have imagined that someone would offer me as big as this!

Then there's the home-based assignments. There's four of 'em at the moment. The pay is good, but not regular. And ugh, I'm starting to get tired with having to face pressures from different people with the same thing in mind: deadline. I know it's one thing I should know by now, but meeting deadlines while not getting paid weeks after, is so stressful. Now that I come to think of it, I should have made deadlines for payments like they did.

Or like any other office-working employee, I could go to work everyday; that's 8 hours a day, 5 (or 6) days a week. Joe, not his real name, offered me what I used to make at i-Pay. His offer is pretty tempting. Office starts at 10 in the morning and there's no required dress code. I can come as I am. Pretty tempting indeed. Good pay + considerable proximity+ no required dress code + no strict attendance issues = perfect job? For me, maybe.

What do you think?

An Early Gift

I got the best gift from Him this year: time.

I was terminated from Ubiquitous English Network of Avalon, Inc. (UENAI or Avalon English School in South Korea) as an editor this past Wednesday. I don’t know why, but it never gave me the slightest emotion of anger or sadness. I’m not claiming to be holier than any of you reading this, but ever since I had Him in my life, everything seemed to be clearer.

I will quote Art Fleming, famous host-star of the long time television show Jeopardy, on his reaction when his long-running quiz show was going to be dropped:

“I am not the least upset about it. In fact, I can’t wait to see what God has in store for me. It may sound strange, but I really believe every time one door closes, another, even better one, opens. My life has always been in the hands of God and knowing that gives me a positive mental attitude. I can accept whatever He has in store for me and whatever it is, it’ll be better than Jeopardy – I just know it. I don’t claim to be holier than you, but the way I see it, if God is for me, who can be against me? My inspiration and guidance come from my everyday conversations with God. I thank Him for each and everyday – regardless of what happens.”

More or less, I have the same words goes for me. In a positive way, I see my termination as a means for me to have more time for the things and people that really matters. I can now have more time to hug my pets, cook (I love to cook! It’s been a long time since I last cooked a hearty meal) for my family, maintain cleanliness of our house, talk with my siblings and parents, read more books, help my sweet baby James (I love you very much baby!) with his thesis, go to church more, participate in SFC-FFL more, and most importantly, finish three projects for various people and institutions (and there’s more to come, woohoo!).

I hate to say it, but in many ways, leaving i-Pay last June was the best career move I ever made. If not for which, I may not have gone through these things. I would not be a real writer now. It paved way for me to learn formal writing from UENAI (I have no formal training in writing because I’m an IT graduate), report an event for Where To Play (a PAGCOR magazine), and write a book for a friend. The book is still on the works and there’ll be more reporting assignments. I just can’t wait what’s next!

*apir*