The Longest 3 Days

It ends today.

I came.

That was when
I heard myself
screaming his name.

For the first time.

No,
it wasn't a dream.

It was real
as it could get.

Marami ang nagsabi
Daliri mo’y may labi
Kwjan's Daliri says.

Yes,
it has.

Oooh.

No more spliff
this time around.

Yeah.

Sweet Escape

It was a cold Sunday afternoon. Omar, our CLP team leader was the speaker for Talk 8. I sat inside a classroom in Pacita National High School listening to him as he explains the Life in the Holy Spirit.

Me: *whisper* Hon, let's go outside.
James: Okay.

Outside, the winds announces itself through the curtains. Wooosh.

Me: Where do we sit?
James: *holding a guitar* By the chairs on the court.

I sat facing James as he started to strum his guitar. I smiled as I recognized the tune.

James: I owe you one song remember?
Me: Yes, and it's been so long now. *beaming smile*

James started to sing.

To see you when I wake up Is a gift I didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do Is a three-fold, Utopian dream. You did something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"? I see your picture. I smell your skin on The empty pillow next to mine. You have only been gone ten days, But already I'm wasting away. I know I'll see you again Whether far or soon. But I need you to know that I care, And I miss you.

And that was when I loved him even more.

How To Save A Life

It's past 7 in the evening. I just got off work and as I walk the streets of Makati, I suddenly felt this yearning deep within me. I try to look for his face in the crowd. I looked and looked, but none.

He is nowhere to be seen.

Somewhat, I am not sad whether his face shows up or not. For the past seven years, I have been mislead into thinking that only he and he only, will and can make me happy.

I am so fortunate. I am so fortunate to have met someone else... someone who I have been looking for all my life.

Now, I am complete. Thank you for saving me Lord.

Everybody Hurts, Sometimes

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone. - R.E.M.

But I am not holding on.
I am willing to take the sacrifice for you.
Anyway
I guess I'm not losing it.
I'm just passing it on. - M.E.

As Mimi reminded me:

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else." - Five people you meet in heaven, Mitch Albom

The Guitar Man

My weakness,

my strength,

my joy,

my love,

and...

my new life.

Happy birthday baby!

...and many more to go.

A Brave Red Flower On A Battered Top Hat

- as inspired by Marcel Marceau's Bip the clown and DIC's supersloth

For weeks since the blast in Glorietta 2, the fire in Glorietta 4, ERAP's pardon, and former Senator Saguisag's tragic accident, I am left with no words to express my deepest sorrow for the lives that have been lost and recovered.

Marcel Marceau said "it's good to shut up sometimes".

Is it? I dunno. Sloth's post taught me not to force words to come out. I don't really. Forcing words to come out was never a task for me. Giving life to them however was the hard part. I would rather shut up than say words that has no emotions in it.

Or, I've just been so happy that recent developments in my life superseded the tragedies. My doctor said am okay now (thank God!), though there are still lots of restrictions and I'm still under observation. My boss said am now a part-time developer (thank God again!), but am still a full time technical writer. I guess taking risks paid off.

I can now imagine Bip walking against an invisible force. He is trying to tell me something: "Do not the most moving moments of our lives find us without words?"

Major Do

Once again, I am on the verge of making a major career move.

Being a pen and paper slave never stopped me from craving for hardcore coding. I dunno why, maybe because I miss the logic or maybe because I took up an IT course back in college. But whatever the reason, yes, I am planning to pursue a career as a systems developer or a web developer perhaps.

Don't get me wrong, I do love writing. I always will. Putting my thoughts into words and presenting it to the world, though at times I can never call them my own, has been a dream. On the contrary, I think it would be best to put my thoughts aside. I can always do writing as a side-job, as something to pour my feelings into.

I guess the first step to being a systems developer now is to review a few stuff or maybe enroll in a shortcourse to freshen up my rusty developer mind.

Talk about taking risks.

Presuppose-story Conclusions

Like Courtney Benefiel (DIC's Fyrestorm), I was so bored on a Monday afternoon and went to read blogs on my blogroll. I read Courtney's Online Quizzes and so, I ended up taking the same quizzes. I also read Harvey Ong's and looks like he was recently up to some online quizzes as well. Now I'll present you with "the almost" the same stuff. He he, talk about copy cat.

Which Winnie the Pooh Character Are You?

You are Winnie the Pooh. Oh, bother. You are sweet, simple, and popular for your honesty and goodwill. Though you may be the biggest personality in the woods, you sometimes need the help of others in the brains department!

WTF. Me a sweet ass? No way!



What City Should You Live In?

You should live in New York City. America's largest city will ensure that you will blend into the crowd. You are the brooding type--introspective, creative, and eccentric--and NYC's cutting-edge, individualistic culture and ambience will appeal to you.

New York City? Kewl.


Which Disney Princess Are You?

You are Pocahontas. You defy convention and sometimes do what is considered taboo. Unfortunately, others do not always appreciate your differences, so it's good that you are so strong-willed. You are loyal and you believe in fate. Your true love will find you one day.

Hmm Pocahontas... At least I get to do what others consider as non-traditional. That's interesting. And, I've already found my true love.


What Kind of Drink Are You?

You are a Pint of Beer. You're happy with who you are. Sure, you may not be the 'sophisticated' and 'refined' type, but at least you're real. You don't let the little things get to you, and you have a good time no matter what life throws at you. Keep it up.

Great. Me a beer. I love beer better that hard liquor (cause am not allowed to drink any of these stuff anymore) so I guess that would do.



What Car Would You Be?

You would be a Mini Cooper. Everywhere you go, you turn heads with your charm and charisma. You're no deep thinker, but taking life seriously can be such a drag!

Cute! Hee hee, am a charmer? Nice.

Which Peanuts Character Are You?

You are Sally Brown. You may not be the most ambitious person, but life isn't supposed to be hard! You are relaxed and easy-going, but you can hold your ground when you want, too.

I dunno who Sally Brown is. Just Snoopy.



Which Type of Music Should You Listen To?

You should listen to Alternative Rock. You never like to do what everyone else does. If your way is better, who cares if it's popular? In fact, your uniqueness is fast garnering you some increasingly passionate fans!

Rock in general is always good.



I guess that's about it.

Let These Words Speak For Me

After a while I learned the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And I learned that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,
And I began to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,
And I began to accept my defeats with my head up and my eyes open, with the grace
of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And I learned to build all my roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
for plans,
After a while I learned that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So I'll plant my own garden and decorate my own soul, instead of waiting for someone to
bring me flowers.
And I learned that I really can endure... that I really am strong,
And I really do have worth.

- as taught to me by Ann Landers

I Am Worth A LOT

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing, "What kind of man are you looking for?"

She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asked, "Do you really want to know?"

Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."

She began to expound...

"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?"

The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money.

She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more."

"I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."

He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain.

She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man."

"I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster."

"I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded."

"I am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."

When she finished her spiel, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, " You're asking a lot."

She replied, "I'm worth a lot."

Call Me Hypochondriac, But My Childhood Is Over

"Childhood's over the moment you know you're gonna die." - Top Dollar (The Crow, 1994)

Now I'm more scared than ever.

I struggled to read the latest news online earlier. I was too scared to read. A misjudged blast in Glorietta 2 in Makati City killed 4 people (and its increasing by the minute). F*ck. That's right beside Park Square 2 Terminal where I take my ride home everyday. It felt like Death reminded me about something...

I voluntarily took absence from my visits to the doctor. I am bleeding inside. I have a polyp somewhere in me. I was scheduled for biopsy a few months back but the medical pre-requisites were just too overwhelming. The initial tests were like death itself! I am so f*cked up. My hands are cold right now. The biopsy result would tell me where the polyp is situated and whether its benign or malignant. I'm praying it hasn't metastized yet.

I was still kind of well when I took my absence. But things are getting out of hand lately. Symptoms are making themselves obvious once again. I know, I'm one stubborn ass. I promised myself I'll be back by November. October is not yet over and then this blast happened.

"Oh i, oh, Im still alive
Hey, i, i, oh, Im still alive
Hey i, oh, Im still alive
Hey...oh..."

Pearl Jam sings Alive on my media player. What a coincidence. BS

I could've been one of those people who died. YES, thank God I am still ALIVE.

Fix Me Up

It gets crazy. Life does, I meant.

At work today, my instant messenger's status message tries to estimate the after-hitting-my-head-on-the-pavement effect of my life for the past 3 months: Sunshine burns if you get too much.

Don't get me wrong but I'm happy with the new guy. Damn, I am! Work is doing great too! The thing is, miniscule (I wish) details are starting to fall apart in my life as I try to build something else. *sigh*

One day am so happy then so sad the next. Wtf is happening?! I wanted to remind myself its all too normal to go through such stuff. Is it?

Despite being sick, despite having to send two siblings to school, despite having to pay bills, despite having to socially serve a fourth of my collegiate alma mater, despite having to prepare for the monster-in-law's imminent arrival, despite losing in two court battles over some land dispute and business venture, despite losing a bestfriend because he's being such a jerk *ugh*, despite being heartbroken for having to overcome such responsibilities -

directly or indirectly, I have to face everything with the grace of an adult... not with the grief of a child.

Hum Along

I woke up late earlier and thus, I was prompted to hurry and prepare myself for work. I hopped on the bus and sat beside an old couple when I noticed the somewhat middle-aged lady was clapping. I wondered why. I looked up at the mounted television. Oh so that was why, The Beatles was on Hey Jude mode. Most of the passengers were head-bobbing, humming, singing, or foot-thumping along. Nice.

I have nothing against the music. In fact, I love 'em.

The truth is, my heart has its roots on the 60s and 70s. Going way back to when my dad witnessed a lot of rebellion and his generation started to put it into lyrics. Add in some instruments and they ended up with The Beatles, Eagles, Scorpions, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Simon & Garfunkel, and all those bands to whom I pay homage to.

I was born in the 80s and yet I grew up listening to them. It just feels different listening to them. I put one track on and close my eyes. Sh*t. Raw. Maybe because as a child, I used to listen to my dad playing songs from that era with his guitar. Ged, I miss those days. On weekends, may dad would play the guitar in the living room. With a songbook on a table, a pair of reading glasses on his eyes, tatay would play and sing. The whole house would go silent. I'll be in my room just listening. It felt as if the world stopped.

So this reminds me of Megan:
"My comeback kids wish list: RATM, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, A Perfect Circle (band's in limbo I think), The Cure, and The Smiths. And if bringing back people from the dead is possible, I would include in the list Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Jeff Buckley, and The Doors." -chuvaofthechenes

I am entirely at awe at how the Philippine music industry has put itself into a higher level this past year due to the seemingly unending arrival of new bands. And yet, my ears still hunger for how the bands of the 90's satiated me. It should come no wonder, the bands of the 90s inspired a lot of bands that are currently making it into the mainstream.

Oh, I wouldn't mind mentioning a few local bands from the 90s: Razorback and Wolfgang, where are you now?! Lokomotiv? Nah. We'll see.

Dual Pretense

"Want to feel extreme happiness? Be mine."

So...
what would you do
if your bestfriend suddenly tells you
he likes you
and that,
you'll be happier
if you were to be his?

*at wits end* OMG OMG OMG WTF

N-Cash Launched

N-Cash Launched

NATCCO marked yet another record in business history. N-Cash, or National Cash Card program, a project of the National Confederation of Cooperatives (NATCCO) in coordination with the government-owned Development Bank of the Philippines (DBP) and Sen. Juan Miguel Zubiri, was launched on September 4, 2007, Tuesday at the Asian Institute of Management (AIM) in Makati.

N-Cash is a cash card issued by NATCCO which can be used for "Card-to-Card' remittance, prepaid cell phone loading and bills payment. Overseas Filipino workers (OFWs) may even complete a transaction just by sending a text message.

What's more, OFWs can now remit at a charge of only $1. This is a huge development in the country's remittance system as the usual $27 remittance fee is highly reduced.

According to financial reports, Filipino workers sent $12.8 billion to their families in the Philippines last year alone. It had cost OFWs $1.7 billion in transaction fees to bring in the $12.8 billion based on the current prevailing 13.5 percent remittance fee. But through the use of N-Cash, the $12.8 billion remitted last year will now cost only $64 million thus saving Filipino workers of up to $1.663 billion.

To implement the N-Cash program, NATCCO signed a cooperation agreement with i-Payment Solutions, Inc., or simply i-Pay, as its technology partner. The agreement allows NATCCO to use the payment platform designed and developed by i-Pay to offer to its cooperatives members and other individuals for their basic financial needs. All of which are more easy and convenient to use.

Dev(il) Team

I know, this is overdue.

Friday, August 31, 2007. I received an email from the admin that there will be a general staff meeting on September 3, 2007, Monday at 4:30 in the afternoon. From the looks of the letter, it seemed the upcoming meeting is serious compared to the previous ones which were always dominated with jokes from the Development Team. Honestly, all the jokes makes the serious stuff bearable so I guess it's all ok with Sir Maner - our boss, Ms. Debi - our project manager, and Mac - our over-all team lead and Chief Technology Officer.

Weekend passed and Monday came. I was thinking, this meeting will be as fun again as the others before. But I noticed sir Maner got a bit fidgety as the hours passed. I was proving myself wrong. Before 4:30pm, everyone from the Marketing Team in Ayala arrived. Whoa!

So this meeting is serious eh? I told myself.

From experience, this sort of meeting conjures ideas such as lay-off or time cut-off cause the company can't bear the expenses anymore. Can't blame 'em! Marketing Team alone costs the company of up to 500K Pesos in payroll alone. That doesn't include their traveling expenses to various countries where we operate. Sheesh.

Moving on, the meeting proved to be serious. Major! Sir Con, sir Maner's Australian business partner, did all the talking. Sir Maner refused to speak. The agenda? Rechargeplus Int'l. Ltd. and i-Payment Solutions, Inc. representatives met with president Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and NATCCO (National Confederation of Cooperatives) last Friday, August 31 to close a deal regarding N-Cash, a program that will save our beloved OFWs just some $1.663 billion in remittance fees. The details are all too "detailed". I'll just inform you about it in a separate blog.

I guess that's about it. Ahaha!

Much credit has been said to the Marketing Team (Rechargeplus) but I heard nothing for my colleagues at the Development Team (i-Pay), or should I say the Dev(il) Team as most of the mrktg. team suggests? On the contrary, they're a bunch of angels out here to save the Philippine remittance system. Hats off to them!

To name 'em who worked for the said project:
Cesar Valencia
Cyril Estremera
Debi Santos
Francis Marasigan
Leo Acera
Mac Soriano and sir Maner Puyawan (of course!)
Marky Tiangco
Marlon Puyawan
Marvynn Kimpay
Mimi Ibisate and
Ryan Amog

no ass-kissing intended *wink*

If Nature Had Its Way

as inspired by Carl Campbell (DIC's Thorian)

I haven't been to the doctor for sometime now. I just got exhausted of going back and forth. It literally drained the life outta me. Last time I did, the doctors said me red blood cell count is dropping! Damn.

I still have no idea what's wrong with me. I'm hoping for the worse so I won't be disappointed. Then again, I'm reminded of the people I'd be leaving behind. Living is just the worst job.

What makes me re-evaluate my ideas is when I lit a cigarette (I know, its bad and yet I can't get rid of it) at night before preparing for bed. I stare at the star-strewn sky and thank God for giving me another day. It calms me… just staring at the sky or just by watching our two dogs lick each other’s balls. Hee hee

Nature has its own way of showing us how wonderful life can be. If only we could take the time to look, stop and listen.

The Sibling Project

It's payroll mode again. Ironic as it is, my technology-based company, mainly focused on card-based payment solutions, doesn't have a bank account dedicated for the sole purpose of despensing our "breads". I don't mind. Not at all. At least I have the benefit of not having to stand in long lines at the atm sites. I get to hold mine in cold hard cash, fosho!

So what's this all about? It's all about Jessa, a 5th grader my siblings and i met through World Vision.

What's World Vision? It is an international Christian development organization committed to uplift the lives of less fortunate people and communities in more than 90 countries worldwide. World Vision partners with the local people's organizations and other concerned agencies to implement projects that focus especially on the needs of children. (Reference: http://www.worldvision.org.ph/)

Through World Vision, my siblings and I are able to send a mere 450pesos a month (the bigger your income/allowance, the bigger you'll give your share of donation) to Jessa and her family so they can have, though not the ultimate good life, a better one.

It just feels great to know that I am able to bring back what God has given me - a good education and a better life. Maybe you can do your part too. Visit their website at http://www.worldvision.org.ph/ or, their kiosks can easily be seen in malls metrowide.

So Blessed

I can't help but smile as I stir my coffee to dissolve this morning. It has been almost a month since I last posted anything in here and things took a huge different turn. I have been blessed, so blessed.

Though health-wise, I am not. Still, I am very much thankful.

Sweet Baby James

I heard the sweetest words last night...

"You're my God sent."

Another Batch

Feels like my bosom is about to explode, I am uber nervous. The second batch of tests I have to undergo is due tomorrow.

My computer monitor starts to get blurry. *drip*

The first test didn’t go so well. Two doctors administered an IE – Internal Examination. It was so painful that I had to grasp the edge of the bed. Nanay was just outside. I wanted to call her but that would be so lame on my part. I’m no kid anymore.

Honestly, I am so tired, tired of all the pain and sorrow. How I wish God would take me and then I’d be at peace. How wonderful life would be then…

Lay down your arms, and surrender to me. -Pearl Jam

Just when I thought I could never give myself to anyone anymore...

*sigh of relief*

I am back on the dating scene.

*happy dance*

Words That Heal

I woke up feeling ecstatic today. Then someone crossed my mind. *Swoosh*

Chitchu is planning to convert into another religion. A move he is willing to take for a girl he left me for. A move in which he's not sure whether she'll have him or not once he has "taken" their side. It's a huge question of faith and, it's a considerably desperate move. I can't blame him. Anyone would do anything for... love? Anyway, that he's life. Goodluck.

Me angry? No. Definitely. Just sad. Sad because he is a lost sheep. He may have said it's no big deal for him. I just think he has no idea what he's getting into. Absolutely nothing.

Anger has always been such a huge burden for me. It created out of me a mindless individual who again and again tries to hurt those people who have hurt me in the past. A word of advice my friends… forgive them. Forgive those people who have hurt you. Tell them the words that could and would heal you: I forgive you.

I know it’s not that easy. It never is. It would take a great deal of time before anyone could forgive. And yet, forgiving takes off all of your burden. It'll set you free. It will free you from having to think of ways to take vengeance or having to think of what you could have done to prevent them from hurting you. Those things won’t help. Never.

On the contrary, why do most of us can't have the heart to forgive? My theory, because it makes us think that we’re more powerful over those persons when we’re mad or angry. Then why do we still cry at night when no one sees us? See my point?!

So, forgive and forget. It’s your only freedom. Trust me. I know, I did.

God is With Me

I went to the doctor yesterday. After 30 minutes of annoying physical exams altered with relaxed conversation, my doctor wrote me a referral letter addressed to the Philippine General Hospital. I am to undergo further exams - for cancer detection.

I went home feeling tired. I was supposed to go to work on a half-day basis but I decided not to. At first, it felt nothing to me. I spoke to my parents, I ate my lunch, took a cigarette and went for a nap. I woke up after an hour. The house was empty.

For the first time that day, after knowing what I'll be up against, tears started to fall down my cheeks.

When I Thought No One Cared

I was browsing through the ladies section of Bench - Robinson Galleria Ortigas branch the other day, after a few minutes I finally decided to try a few clothes. I noticed a young saleslady folding clothes just nearby. So, I asked for her assistance. I called her "Miss?".

But unexpectedly, she only took notice of me until after my fourth call. I waved my right hand, while holding a few clothes with the other, "Miss, miss!".

That was when she looked at me. I was supposed to be really upset at her for not noticing me. Then she showed me her ID and I saw what was written... "DEAF Staff".

I would like to send my kudos to the management and staff of Bench for extending their hand in helping our somewhat disabled brothers and sisters. They are doing a great job in uplifting hope amongst our fellow Filipinos who once thought that no one cared for them. With proper guidance and help, I know they can also make a difference just like the "normal" rest of us.

I am not a good person in general. I am no part of any organization who helps disabled person. I just happened to pass by that day. I am so touched by their generosity in helping others. As payment for what the kind lady did for me, I will spread the good word through this blog. I hope Bench will continue to help "them". Congratulations on the great job Bench! Kudos to everyone! ^_^

Unfortunately, I forgot to ask for the sales lady's name, maybe through this blog, I can thank her or everyone at Bench's Robinson's Galleria - Ortigas branch. Thanks! :)

The Intelligraph Visitor

I am the Intelligraph Visitor. I went back to Intelligraph today. It felt good to see the old and familiar faces. It brought back memories.

I was fired from my previous job before Intelligraph. It was a sudden death. The termination letter accusef me of not having enough talents to make it through their upcoming projects. It was a huge blow for me. The letter even said "You'd better look for a job that will suit what talents you have". Ouch. I have been working there for the past 5 months before this occured. After being nominated for Best Writer of the Month for three consecutive months and after being dubbed as IT Specialist they suddenly claimed I had no talent. WOW.

So, I took it with a grain of salt and that was when Intelligraph welcomed me. I am actually in debt to the owners for giving me a second chance. I thought no one would hire me as a writer because of the previous termination. I had been honest and happy. That was for the first two months. Then God laid His wrath on me. I was heartbroken.

I thought no one noticed as I started to get lousy at work. But a lot of my colleagues did and so, I decided to leave them. I think it was the best move I made. If I stayed there, I would only sink deeper into bleakdom. I needed a new environment to keep me busy. I needed something to divert me from what was really happening. I needed a fresh start.

I guess being heartbroken took the best out of me. No one may have noticed but I cried on my last day at Intelligraph. I wanted to hug everyone before I go but I was too shy. I guess it's just me. So, I just waved goodbye.

To everyone at Intelligraph, I thank you! *bow*

Taya! Ikaw Naman

Tagged by Megan

Instructions: Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to

get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. I swear, smoke, and drink a lot. Even tried weed once.

2. Was once suspended for a year from school.

3. Was once a contestant for Ms. Intrams back in college (and how I wish I could bring back the days).

4. When I was younger, I loved to listen to loud music. That makes me an old school-rock lover. But now that I feel somewhat "mature", I listen to jazz, bossa nova, and the classics such as Ray Charles and Nat King Cole.

5. I sleep on the right side of the bed.

6. I have a three-month old cat named Gorgo. I love cats!

7. I am a proud member of Singles for Christ - Pacita Chapter.

I tag ate Etch, Kriz, Sol, Mimi, ate Meg, Ms. Elmo, and Ms. Debi.

Repost error from Multiply: Gawad Kalinga Experience

I struggled to get up on a cold Monday morning. The previous night's get together made me sick. I had fun anyway so it was all well worth it. But somehow, none of the weekend's activities made me any happier and fulfilled than what was in store for me last Monday. I was headed to Bayan-Bayanan in the mountains of San Pedro, Laguna to build houses for the poor. Honestly, it doesn't feel like me. I'm not the type who'd do this kinda things. But due to some out of this world circumstances, I ended up being with a group of people who do nothing in life but to help each other out with the help of one greater being. OMG, this is not totally me.

Moving along, it was Gawad Kalinga (GK) day for me. Together with some CFC and SFC folks, we sported our bandanas and gloves, went up the mountains and build houses for some priviledged poor. It was so fulfilling to see the kids run around happily knowing they will sleep under a roof starting that day.

Kids at Heart

I feel no different from what the great William Shakespeare once said, "Silence is the most perfect herald of joy: I were but little happy, if I could say how much." I feel so happy and yet I have no words for it. It feels like there is nothing I could ask for more.

Well, just three months ago, things were different. One by one, heartaches came crashing on me as if the world is at its end. Despite that, I promised myself that one day, I'd look back at everything and just laugh my a** off. Though not literally, I am on my way to laughing it all out. Maybe one of these days I can, and I will, tell you why.

Oh, I almost forgot, remember when we were still little? Back then, as kids, anything would make us happy and smile easily. Maybe that's what lacks in your life right now. You see, as adults, we often forget what made us happy as kids... like dancing in the rain, a lollipop from grandma, or a trip to the local Jollibee store. Maybe you're just forgetting how to be a child at heart. Or how to become satisfied with the littlest and simplest details in your life. Trust me, it works.

One Thing

Your Brain is 73% Female, 27% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

This only means one thing... I'm a queefer. *disappointed*

Karma

This may sound redundant as I have been ranting on this one for months now. But let's face it... I am still hurting. He left me for someone else.

I don't know if it is good news or not... but the girl is from another religion and she's not suppose to have a relationship with a guy from another religion. So, bad karma had hit him. I wanted to be happy about the news but somehow, and honestly, I am not. I still feel sad... cause he left me for a lost cause.

Anyway, that's life. Shit happens. Always.

Unuttered Uproar

So, it's been over a month since I've written anything in here. Honestly, I thought I can never write anything again. It feels like there's a cloud over my head and I can't think straight because of it. It's frustrating actually. I wanted so much to declare how I feel (cause I'll feel better afterwards) and yet I have no words for it.

Yeah, silent pandemonium it is. An unuttered uproar.

Stupid

I did a really stupid thing today. I just told someone I like him. STUPID. I always end up saying one thing which I know I will be regretting soon. I guess this one is among them. Anyway, I always just say it to someone I'm growing fond of. But this time it feels different. I don't even know if I should say sorry or thank you. Damn it.

Of Science

Someone just made me really happy today. Finally.


But I wish I could do the same for him.

Main Road

May 30, 2006

Slowly, I walk on home. March 15, 2005. A mutt crossed the street. March 15, 2005. Along the pavement a candy wrapper begs to be picked up. March 15, 2005. The night was damp. March 15, 2005. Rained had just ceased. March 15, 2005. Five hundred miles away, someone sits in a room, staring at his monitor. March 15, 2005. A look of disgust in his face.

*drip* Looks like the rain had turned into a storm on my face. March 15, 2005. Stupid date. Shit! I want to get it out of my head. March 15, 2005. I wanted to run. But it felt like chains were tied to my feet. I just wanted to drop dead to the ground and flood it all out. Yet I was still at considerable distance from home. March 15, 2005. Somewhere in Biñan, someone hopes he’d have his third chance. Fighting back tears from falling, he goes off it with a bottle o’ Gran’ Ma’.

Masungit

Kram: what's your goal
Me: to be the BEST writer

Surprised? Lol. Anyway, so I've made a new blog account. *sigh* I hated the old one. Memories damn it.

Ok. I have no idea what others would've thought of my previous entry. I guess its just me. No, I wasn't bragging. Not the least. Wanna know why?

Growing up, the idea of having my b**bs bigger than my brain was stuck into my head. Somehow, everyone thought that I was stupid. Well, I still do. Anyway, you see, I have 2 other sisters. They did well in school. I always hated myself for not achieving the same standards as they have. Both are scholars. Both have degrees.

Me, I don't. On the contrary, I'm living it up. It has always been my dream to be a writer. Now, I am. Without any formal writing education, I still am. I wish my sisters (and my parents) would see me in that light. The light in which I'm not just a face. I have brains too.

Btw, masungit is the opposite of a kind person. :p Hmm... I'm thinking about a new category for my blog: Filipino Slang 101!

In An Icebox

This is not a love story.


*Hum*
I got this icebox where my heart used to be.
As the song goes.
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold.
Am I?
Landscapes and sceneries pass by the window as the bus hits 60. Life stirs, unknowingly through each set of eyes that stares at the window. Then I heard the song.
I got this icebox where my heart used to be. It still is. Then my life started to take a backtrack.


The day started like any day I get up and go to work at Ivy League Writing Consultany, Inc. in Tomas Morato, QC as a writer. Like any day, I start it with a somewhat tire-heaved smile (?). Then it hits me like a backhoe would... I didn't make it to Singapore. The heartache of it, as it turned out, was deeper that I intially thought. For the past two months, somehow, my current job had taken a bad turn. I started to get tired easily and as a result, I wasn't able to write well enough, according to Ivy League standards (honestly, according to me too!). I knew I wasn't doing well at work anymore. Not unlike with my first few months when everythng was so promising. I have been dubbed as the "IT specialist" because of the topics I have been handling. And then I was nominated as Writer of the Month for the prolific writing (*sob* but I never got to earn an award, but hey! Being in the list was well enough!). Really promising. But I got bad. Soon after learning I wasn't going to Singapore anymore (no need to elaborate on that as I have previously informed you all about it).


Bad write ups = termination from Ivy League job. Another disaster. Another heartache on top of the other. But I wasn't admiting I have been defeated. I tried. For a week or so. And then I collapsed. I told myself I will never be a writer again! Something that is entirely a sin itself. I have been writing since highschool. In college, I was the editor for our school paper. Handling the News and Features sections of Meralco Foundation Institute's The Keystone. But did it matter? Nope, none of that ever mattered. I told myself maybe Sir Tony was right, I might as well work for some other job that could suit my talents, which is not writing. I was doomed.


A week passed. All those days I was pretending it never mattered to me. But actually it did. A lot.


And then Manila Bulletin called. Oh, btw, I applied for another writer job a week before I was terminated. I got through the exam and the interview. Whew! Then life started to take on a new light. Finally! MANILA BULLETIN says it all. My talents weren't going to waste after all. But they said they'd get back at me...


And so another writing job came (I'd better not disclose, sorry). I was so eager to have a job and get back on my feet that I told this new company that I was terminated from my previous job. I decided to be honest with them. It'll be out soon anyway. Thank God, it worked. Somehow, they liked my impromptu articles. I guess all the hardships paid off! I was hired three days after and just last week, I was ranked #1 (tied with another co-worker) among the new writers. My heart was leaping for joy.


Then another heartache came... Manila Bulletin called. My dad, for some reason I cannot explain, forgot to tell me about it. Two days passed. I tried to call them but to no avail. They gave the job to someone else. *sigh* I am so f*cked up. I guess that's life. You cannot have everything!


*Hum*
I got this icebox where my heart used to be.
As the song goes.
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold.
Am I?
No, like the Spartans, I feel no pain or emotion anymore. Heartaches? They mean nothing to me. From now on, if you feel pain... If you feel like the world had stumbled upon you, DON'T. Think about all those people who have bigger problems than what you have.


As for me, I'm keeping my heart in an icebox. In there, it'll be numb. In there, it'll feel no emotion...